The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
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I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
birds and squirrels envy us
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
do horses think humans are hats
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God