the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
If a snake ate a cake
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Become ungovernable.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.