The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.