The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
ok this is my dumbest yet
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.