@ThisAlexStein

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

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@JediGigi

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

@OffRoadRnr

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

@daddygofish

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

@Social_Mime

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

@Jandalize

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

@robfee

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?