The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.


The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.


Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”


every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.


My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.


Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?