The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.