The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
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When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.