The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.