The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
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Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”