The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
You Might Also Like
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?