“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
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unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
pelicons
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Why are bridges so flammable.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…