The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
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I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?