The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
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guys I’m going home
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
You had me at “define legal”.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended