The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
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Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Snapes on a plane.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
LMAO
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy