The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
this is how life feels
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.