The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
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I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping