The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread