The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
sistine chapel
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.