The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
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I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Best spoiler warning ever
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.