The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
😅🤣😂
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.