@RdrJay47

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

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@KalvinMacleod

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

@dumbbeezie

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

@MindyFurano

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

@kevinthedad

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@seanforhire

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones