The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
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Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
you know what ruined my childhood? children
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.