The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]