The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Meat Cute
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.