The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
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*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
How to wake up a Beagle
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
sir, my pâté if you please
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.