I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
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Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.