The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Girl, same.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
much to think about
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Phones down.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”