The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
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This line from Airplane.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Merry Christmas
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Lucky for them, they’re cute