The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.