@CandyCrisis Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
@_SouthernMama The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
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@CandyCrisis 
@jacaristar Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
@caseytduncan What about a To-Don’t List?
@jctwritesstuff So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
@patnspankme We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
@Parentpains I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
@DontTouchMyWine It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
@Marlebean I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
@GrahamOfTheDead Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
@BlairLoudly I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.