@_SouthernMama

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

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@CandyCrisis

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

@jacaristar

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

@jctwritesstuff

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

@patnspankme

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

@DontTouchMyWine

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

@Marlebean

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

@BlairLoudly

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.