The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
You Might Also Like
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
my favorite genre of twitter
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles