The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.


Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.


So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?


We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.


It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.


I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.


I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.