The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).