The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
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me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.