The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*


Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.


My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.


Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.


When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”


I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.


Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.


I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.


Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.