@DrunjAF

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

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@Triballistix

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

@edgarrants

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

@PLATINUM2000

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

@lawyerthoughts

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

@SteveSuckington

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

@KentWGraham

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

@batkaren

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

@2tickytacky

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

@UnFitz

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.