The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Worst Native American name ever.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS