@DrunjAF
@Triballistix *notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
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@Triballistix 
@aimlessamers Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
@edgarrants Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
@PLATINUM2000 My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
@lawyerthoughts Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
@SteveSuckington When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
@KentWGraham I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
@batkaren Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
@2tickytacky I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
@UnFitz Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.