The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I beg your pardon?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Me sliding into hell like
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Don’t talk down to me
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.