The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
@ candidates for local office
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?