The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move