The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
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Social distancing in Australia:
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
incredible book dedication
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Miscakes
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away