The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
How can I say no to this ?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.