The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
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My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.