The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.