The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure