the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I’m giving up for Lent.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
cat vs inanimate object
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.