The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
inventing words: clothing
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.