The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I put the p in pants.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door