the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
May have had one breakfast too many
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”