The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.