The opposite of goth is stopth.
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Breaking news:
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
This is true.