The opposite of Iceland is water water
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal