The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
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Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…