The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
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I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.