The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools