The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?